The last time I touched this website was almost 5 months ago. And like the title says too much has changed since this. Some bad most of it good, but hardly any of it was really intended. Probably a week after I wrote the last blog post Ryan told me he was quitting the band.
That really sucked. (drastic understatement)
We were making plans to go on a summer tour this summer which would have taken us to 8 cities in the mid west out to Denver and up to St. Paul on a 2 week music tour. We were going to self produce an EP to bring along with some merch and really go for it to see how successful we could be on our own. And it wasn’t much nothing really too crazy, but it was going to be our way to test this life to see if it was something we would enjoy: being on the road and having our life for a short time completely be focused on music and preforming and nothing else. We were ecstatic. We started the bones of our first song we were recording and then something happened that I am still not completely sure of. Ryan just disappeared.. Not like he was kidnapped or anything, but I could not get a hold of him. I had no idea what was going on. For about 2 months I would get a text or a short statement from him every few weeks just telling me he needed time and space. And I was as patient as I could be. But eventually I needed Ryan back, I needed to make plans and start working on recording so we could get everything done in time. But still no response. I was really getting worked up about it. Not only as a co-worker in the band, but as my friend, he just left me. With no explanation.
I have a hard enough time as it is with abandonment but this was extreme even for extreme circumstances. It was like a switch went off where I was just excluded from his life without warning. All the while I see him doing shows and releasing songs we wrote together as his own without my permission.
http://ryannordstom.bandcamp.com/just-one-more
That was my final straw. It became overwhelmingly clear that he didn’t want to work with me anymore and I couldn’t keep putting myself through the emotional wear of not knowing what was going on and missing my friend.
He was going through a lot and I am not mad or bitter. I can never repay him for how he helped get me through one of the worst times in my life and I was forever be grateful for him. And he knows that. There is no bad blood between us, but doesn’t make it suck any less.
He is moving to Minnesota to finish school then he is thinking about his future in with a solo career and being with his girlfriend and building that relationship stronger. As far as I can see he is in a really good place and he is still writing music but we only talk here and there and it isn’t much so I’m kinda speculating.
So for me and the band’s future; Its a big mystery. Now it is truly just me and I don’t know how to work recording software like at all especially not Logic Pro which is what I ended up getting myself. And I don’t have Ryan’s voice I wrote a lot of songs for him to sing that I can’t really use in my future as a solo artist.
I never wanted to be in this position. I’ve never wanted to be the main guy. I really liked doing what I could to highlight Ryan’s talents and mine also (but just when needed). So now I am forced into a really awkward position.
I’ve always been more of a writer and a planner. I have a lot of ideas that I can’t translate into sound that can be recorded and I have a lot of lyrics I can’t preform because my voice is not right for it. Don’t get me wrong I have a few I can do myself. But getting it to sound the way I want and produce it without help from a label means I need to learn how to run a triathlon and right now I have no idea how to walk. And I have a lot to distract me from it. I have a family a 1 and a half year old 2 baby cats and another baby due March *****suppperr excited I really hope the baby will be a girl****** and a rather professional and sometimes emotionally draining full time job. And I play a lot of video games which is a huge chunk of my free time too. But even with all that going on I have the itch.. always in the back of my head to write music.. Just a general sense of … danggittt I need to get up and do something right now… Sometimes it is a sudden panic of everything I worked for all the time and money over the years I have spent could all really mean nothing if I let it. I could completely let the band die and move on with life and not a whole lot of people would care. Even though that would make sense given with how my life is now and the complete lack of know how on my part, I still can’t just let the band die.
I have had some of the deepest lyrics and painful things I have ever wrote since Ryan has left the band. Once that was off my shoulder I let go of all plans musically I had a wrote a lot of songs in a really different genre than we ever played and I really expressed myself in a way that I never have before. I haven’t shared the songs with anyone really, but I know they are too good to let die. I’ve stayed up all night a few times, mulling over the implications and effects the songs could have. These are not fun songs. One is about mass shootings, another is about the logic of suicide, coping with death, gang violence, the hood mentality. Songs about topics no one really wants to get to deep into. And I know I have to be careful with what I do with them. And it might seems I am just being super full of myself, but these songs need to be heard one way or another even if it is only a few people, I am artistically responsible and I will do my best. Next week I am going to publish a poem that will give you an idea of what I am leaning towards in my future music, actually no, my artistic future.
Sorry if this post doesn’t make a whole lotta sense none of this was planned and it is 4:30am, but this is my unfiltered brutal truth. And I can always promise you that as an artist. If you choose to keep an eye on Pioneer the City be prepared to be challenged and to think about things in a deep and personal way. I will strive to challenge, provoke, and inspire.
Peace out till next Friday, and thanks for sticking around.
pioneerthecity.com 