Author: pioneerthecity

If we had time or power or the choice between what’s more needed in this hour.

If it was up to me neither really sounds fair what’s the guarantee of either without the other

Honestly the revelation really bothers me the push for change disrupts the harmony

The want for blame helps no one as far as I can see… but I can’t move on so easily

I can’t unattach myself from this baggage that’s been latched on to me

You can’t understand the strain of this tragedy how feeling safe was never a necessity

Time and power were never part of my reality

Until I stole them both from visions of another’s dream

I bought into a life I believed I could obtain under lock and key

My own safety scheme found life beneath

But as far as I can see all my hope has been for nothing

Because my fate was sealed in my history

My worth was dictated by the seeds of my family tree… or lack of one

At least in my eyes, in the eyes of the law and the numbers

How I was suppose to be incarcerated any time after 11

And graduation high school was suppose to be impossible

And college wasn’t even considered a variable.

As far as I can see how can I be motivated by a lack of purpose

How can you be surprised when I act worthless, like I don’t deserve it

A place of my own, a chance of my own, a family of my own, a little gratitude shown

It’s just wishes though as far as I can see…

But as far as I can see I can’t see much I realize there is more to life than I’d like to admit

But it’s exhausting always trying to escape this grip

The grip of poverty and low expectations

It’s a never ending fight I’d like to quit

It’d be easier to buy into the statistics

And let go of it all and consider ballistics

But to think I may have had a chance but just missed it

Terrified I might not be the victim

Terrified I might be my own worst enemy

Terrified to live free as I was meant to be

I’m terrified of what success might do to me

Terrified of ever feeling different

Terrified that this pain might not remain so intimate

Terrified of ever losing touch with my friends

That have been with me since the beginning

How all that can change in a minute if fame ever became benevolent

As far as I can see

Fame might only be sustained by a lack of humanity

Fueled only by greed and vanity

A few moments over exposed losing touch with sanity

Sacrificing what’s genuine

Selling out on what’s important to me

Selling out on my first love, first dream

Could fall in and out and in between

Losing my sacred gift to humanity, pushing aside my family

For a few dollars, for a small bit of attention

For a few more hits on the internet

The clickbait a kill switch to the message intended to be

As far as I can see

People might only love my bleeding heart

Amazed I survived this far

Happy they haven’t been through who I’ve been through happy thy don’t have my scars

But for those that do I don’t think I’m an inspiration they can look up to

I haven’t overcome my emotions are often overdrawn

It’s all just misunderstood sad songs

As far as they can see

As an artist my biggest fear is no one will care

Care enough to hear my story and pay attention to my songs

All this suffering come and gone without encouraging anyone

But if I do make it

Call it talent or resilience

Call it luck or brilliance

But I’m just an orphan with a vision

Scarred by abandonment

Starved of dependence

But survived by a message

That there is always hope in existence

And with the passing of time pain become distant

And with a small bit of power I can make a difference.

 

The last time I touched this website was almost 5 months ago. And like the title says too much has changed since this. Some bad most of it good, but hardly any of it was really intended. Probably a week after I wrote the last blog post Ryan told me he was quitting the band.

 

That really sucked. (drastic understatement)

 

We were making plans to go on a summer tour this summer which would have taken us to 8 cities in the mid west out to Denver and up to St. Paul on a 2 week music tour. We were going to self produce an EP to bring along with some merch and really go for it to see how successful we could be on our own. And it wasn’t much nothing really too crazy, but it was going to be our way to test this life to see if it was something we would enjoy: being on the road and having our life for a short time completely be focused on music and preforming and nothing else. We were ecstatic. We started the bones of our first song we were recording and then something happened that I am still not completely sure of. Ryan just disappeared.. Not like he was kidnapped or anything, but I could not get a hold of him. I had no idea what was going on. For about 2 months I would get a text or a short statement from him every few weeks just telling me he needed time and space. And I was as patient as I could be. But eventually I needed Ryan back, I needed to make plans and start working on recording so we could get everything done in time. But still no response. I was really getting worked up about it. Not only as a co-worker in the band, but as my friend, he just left me. With no explanation.

I have a hard enough time as it is with abandonment but this was extreme even for extreme circumstances. It was like a switch went off where I was just excluded from his life without warning. All the while I see him doing shows and releasing songs we wrote together as his own without my permission.

http://ryannordstom.bandcamp.com/just-one-more

That was my final straw. It became overwhelmingly clear that he didn’t want to work with me anymore and I couldn’t keep putting myself through the emotional wear of not knowing what was going on and missing my friend.

He was going through a lot and I am not mad or bitter. I can never repay him for how he helped get me through one of the worst times in my life and I was forever be grateful for him. And he knows that. There is no bad blood between us, but doesn’t make it suck any less.

He is moving to Minnesota to finish school then he is thinking about his future in with a solo career and being with his girlfriend and building that relationship stronger. As far as I can see he is in a really good place and he is still writing music but we only talk here and there and it isn’t much so I’m kinda speculating.

 

So for me and the band’s future; Its a big mystery. Now it is truly just me and I don’t know how to work recording software like at all especially not Logic Pro which is what I ended up getting myself. And I don’t have Ryan’s voice I wrote a lot of songs for him to sing that I can’t really use in my future as a solo artist.

I never wanted to be in this position. I’ve never wanted to be the main guy. I really liked doing what I could to highlight Ryan’s talents and mine also (but just when needed). So now I am forced into a really awkward position.

 

I’ve always been more of a writer and a planner. I have a lot of ideas that I can’t translate into sound that can be recorded and I have a lot of lyrics I can’t preform because my voice is not right for it. Don’t get me wrong I have a few I can do myself. But getting it to sound the way I want and produce it without help from a label means I need to learn how to run a triathlon and right now I have no idea how to walk. And I have a lot to distract me from it. I have a family a 1 and a half year old 2 baby cats and another baby due March *****suppperr excited I really hope the baby will be a girl****** and a rather professional and sometimes emotionally draining full time job. And I play a lot of video games which is a huge chunk of my free time too. But even with all that going on I have the itch.. always in the back of my head to write music.. Just a general sense of … danggittt I need to get up and do something right now… Sometimes it is a sudden panic of everything I worked for all the time and money over the years I have spent could all really mean nothing if I let it. I could completely let the band die and move on with life and not a whole lot of people would care. Even though that would make sense given with how my life is now and the complete lack of know how on my part, I still can’t just let the band die.

I have had some of the deepest lyrics and painful things I have ever wrote since Ryan has left the band. Once that was off my shoulder I let go of all plans musically I had a wrote a lot of songs in a really different genre than we ever played and I really expressed myself in a way that I never have before. I haven’t shared the songs with anyone really, but I know they are too good to let die. I’ve stayed up all night a few times, mulling over the implications and effects the songs could have. These are not fun songs. One is about mass shootings, another is about the logic of suicide, coping with death, gang violence, the hood mentality. Songs about topics no one really wants to get to deep into. And I know I have to be careful with what I do with them. And it might seems I am just being super full of myself, but these songs need to be heard one way or another even if it is only a few people, I am artistically responsible and I will do my best. Next week I am going to publish a poem that will give you an idea of what I am leaning towards in my future music, actually no, my artistic future.

Sorry if this post doesn’t make a whole lotta sense none of this was planned and it is 4:30am, but this is my unfiltered brutal truth. And I can always promise you that as an artist. If you choose to keep an eye on Pioneer the City be prepared to be challenged and to think about things in a deep and personal way. I will strive to challenge, provoke, and inspire.

 

Peace out till next Friday, and thanks for sticking around.